I'm at the gym this morning (don't worry, the apocalypse is not upon us, just that my pants have staged a revolution...story for another time).
I get on the elliptical. The one on the end, because I don't like other cars to park near me and ding my doors on at least one side.
I notice the woman two or three machines to my left is glancing over.
[No shame,] I look directly at her (all the while I'm ellipting even faster...Chicks dig fast ellipterers).
She smiles. I smile back.
She's making eyes at me (Swingers' style, just without the baby).
I now puff my chest out like some kind of Mutual of Omaha mating moment.
I glance over again. Pretty face. Sweaty in that "I'm-sweaty-but-I'm-sexy-cuz-this-is-what-my-face-looks-like-during-sex" kind of way.
She dismounts. One big step. That's gonna be a 3/10 point deduction, but shouldn't affect her all-around score.
I notice her legs. They're funky. Funkily shaped. Skinny ankles, almost tapering to a point to her heel. But, as you look up, each leg widens to almost 10X the width of aforementioned ankle.
Her legs look like, well, table legs.
She glances back one more time. I start repeating my Spanish lesson on my iPod a little louder, glance back, and crack a Charlie Brown, squiggly line smile back.
I'm an asshole.